A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.
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A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.
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What's the difference between the Pope and Michael Jackson?
The Pope is dead.
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel stuck to his crotch.
The bartender says, "Hey, you got a wheel stuck to your crotch."
The pirate replies, "Yarr, me ship wrecked in a terrible storm and my testicles swelled with an infection while I was knocked unconscious against the wheel. Can you please call a doctor?"
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How many dead babies can you fit in a blender?
The police report indicates three.
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So this guy dies right and he goes up to Heaven and when he's at the pearly gates he- oh wait, nevermind, he just rots in the ground.
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Man 1: Knock, Knock
Man 2: Who's there?
Man 1: It's me Johnny.
Man 2: Oh, hey man! Come on in, and have a beer.
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How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
If you call up Steven Murphy Electrical Contractors on (08) 9284 7281 they can send over a qualified electrician to screw it in for you between 9-6 on any working day, guaranteed to arrive within an hour of your call or you get 50% off!
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What do you get when you stick a knife in a baby? A life-sentence in jail.
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A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.
He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."
The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.
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Knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
knock knock
Aw, man, I guess nobody is home. I'll try back later.
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What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
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So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.
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So a mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender calls his psychiatrist to report that he is hallucinating again.
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Patrick and Michael were walking along in a forest, when Patrick falls over and breaks his leg on a tree root.
In agony, Patrick turns to Michael and says "Quick, call me an ambulance!".
Michael replies " Okay I'll just go to that public telephone we saw earlier down the path - I'll be back in five minutes. ".
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A duck walks into a bar...
Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a near by park and released.
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Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.
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Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
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All jokes came from http://www.somethingawful.com/d/comedy-goldmine/jokes-with-realistic.php?page=5 Read more if you want to!
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